Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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