you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize