my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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