dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
