Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Randomize