So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
