Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
