I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
