I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
These tits shall not be calmed
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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