Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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