i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
