he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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