he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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