woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
