Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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