Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
