Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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