Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
