My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
