I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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