Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So here I am, sexting at work.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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