i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
