atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
