After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
