Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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