OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
