I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
