did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
