PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
