Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
