I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
