Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
