Betty ford says i'm here all night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
