I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
