Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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