I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
