I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
