He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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