Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
