I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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