the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
