well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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