i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
