At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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