And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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