Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
