the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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