I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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