I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
