You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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