just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
false alarm, still single
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