You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize