My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
