One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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