I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I checked into jail on foursquare
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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