I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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