this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
