Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
