Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
