I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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