woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If its not for food we ain't going out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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