Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize