Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
