Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
